there’s a fine line between
my hits and my misses
there’s a world of love between
my spits and my kisses
we’ve been watching the pretty
purple things grow and
warm poop happen, and
there is always an ever after
until ever there be a no
Aw, Squirt. I feel so much closer to you
now that we’ve both shot wunna dem
sicky blood shits in the Bald
I have only ever chased these
words, retraced and
remembered halves and thirds,
scratched thoughts and
in the fugitive
I’m just saying: it’ll be ironic if
we do disaffected for the
and anyway: doesn’t he realize that
albums are dead, innit.
This is going to be a blog post. A blog post is what this will be. And it’s a shame, really. I do feel a little bad for it, the poor sod. It surely had much higher aspirations. No writing wants to be a blog post after all. No self-respecting assembly of letters, of words, of paragraphs, wants this to be its lot in life. In the hierarchy of writing formats, the blog post is by far the lowliest and loneliest. In the broad spectrum of epistolary ejaculation, this gasping, unflattering poste de blog, scrawled unceremoniously on bed sheets at three am, is by far the most bitter and heartbroken. It is the least virile. It is the most puerile. It is the most broken and hard-shipped with tragedy.
And yet, maybe that’s why we need it…
Let’s start with language. It all starts and ends there. Doesn’t it? In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. (Of all the gospels, John is the most stylistic and literary. He’s one of my favorites in the entire work of literature known as Bible. He was definitely on to something.)
And yet, this language thing never works the way you feel it should. This language thing. This put. The thing you want to put is a feeling. The thing you want to put is a mood. The thing you want to put is a blast: Of happy. Or sad. Of some sort of impossible (and implausible) awareness you believe you had or upon which you may be on the cusp. (I am always on the cusp of an awareness.)
This thing you want to put is a dream.
This thing you want to put doesn’t exist.
I’ve got at least a dozen things I want to write. Presently, I am writing none of them. Unless you count this. But this isn’t so much a “thing I want to write” as a “thing I am writing.” The thing I am writing is almost never the thing I want to write.
You say you like the rough ones. Well this one is a rough one. I may have written this before. I may have written all of this before. I will certainly write it again.
There are always things I feel I should be cutting out. There are always things I am successfully cutting. There are other things I am successfully not cutting. There are things I wish I weren’t cutting, but which are being cut for me. Those are the worst things. Those are the distracting things.
I might be talking about writing here. Or I might be talking about happiness. Or despair. I might be talking about hope, or addiction, or sex. I really don’t know anymore.
The thing about a funk is: it has a way of perpetuating itself. Part of being in a funk is learning to identify said funk and calling that fucker what it is. Giving it a ridiculous name robs it of some of its funk power: Flooey Clown Funk. Fizzy Farm Funk. Ticklish Tiny Funk. Diaper Rash Funk. Brown Bag Boring Ass Funk.
Of all the dire situations going on in the world right now (the violence and strife in the Ukraine, the violence and strife in Gaza, the violence and strife inside and outside our very own doors, right here in towns and cities across America, the UK, Legoland) my non-writing condition is not one of them. It is not one of the dire situations. It is barely even “a situation.” Even on a small scale, even on the scale of my own personal life: of all the various conditions that have happened there-in, the situations that I might, in passing, refer to as “dire,” this current non-writing one is extremely low on the list.
This current condition is a commodity. All of our current conditions are commodities. And the going rate for each of them keeps dropping. Content is cheap. The world does not need writing. The world does not need my writing. And yet, I believe, most emphatically, that the world needs writing. And, by All Holy God, I believe it needs my writing. I have to. I have no choice but to believe that.
This twofold premise is…
Last night, I went to the open mic blues jam (OMBJ) near my house, which I’ve been known to frequent but which (lately) I’ve been frequenting with less and less of the frequentification. I blame herniated cervical discs and slow-melting ice and fucking cold weather. I blame complacency. I blame a touch of generalized malaise and acute SAT, or Social Avoidance Tendency. I know that none of this avoidance will lead to the doing of any good. None of this will bring me any sort of enlightenment. None of this will help me transcend the Big Fucking Here and Now. And so I’ve been actively seeking to move past it.
Adam, whose creative work ethic I admire, always gets himself to these OMBJs despite having a far busier life than I do. He is my role model in this regard. He is my musical cattle prod. (Hmm… this may sound kinkier than I mean for it to.) How about: He shames me with his seminal tenacity. (Yuck. Wtf?) Okay, look: he’s tireless in engaging in creative things. (Phew!)
I believe there’s also a social component that gets Adam to the OMBJs.
Before I left for OMBJ last night, I said to C: “I think Adam is more social than I am.”
C’s response was some form of: “Um… ya think?”
She’s good at zeroing in on realities that take me months to figure out. It’s one of the reasons I married her.
Here’s a reality…
I met with my accountant this week. I’ve always liked telling people that. I like telling you that now, in fact. It makes me feel official. In any given week, if you’ve met with your accountant, you’re at least somebody who can put on a pair of pants, and by God that’s something. I’m pretty sure I’ve never really known what I wanted to be as a grown up, but I’m entirely positive that I’ve always wanted it to be something that involved periodically meeting with my accountant.
So you could say I’ve arrived. You could say that…